I’ve no idea what England’s cricketers will be doing this Xmas Day in Melbourne, a day before the Boxing Day Test at the MCG, but I bet it won’t be anything like we got up to in 1982.
Back then, it was traditional for England touring teams to spend Xmas day in fancy dress. There’d be nets in the morning, a quick shower and into our costumes before a midday drinks party with families and loved ones thrown by the Press, who were mostly still on speaking terms with the players.
In the build-up we’d all been given themes to dress up to - mine was the 1960s - as well as the address of Melbourne’s biggest fancy dress shop. I went as a Hell’s Angel, as revealed by the photo shown here, but the star turn was Chris Tavare as Coronation Street’s Hilda Ogden.
After drinks, and this is the bizarre bit, the families and journos would have to skedaddle and leave players to Xmas lunch as a team, during which certain ‘bonding’ activities would take place. One of these was a sketch performed by the first-time tourists which on that particular trip was me, Graeme Fowler, Vic Marks, Norman Cowans, Allan Lamb, Eddie Hemmings, Ian Gould and Robin Jackman.
As a nonet, we did a version of the “E’s Alright,” the Firm’s song about Arthur Daley, the star of TV’s Minder series. It was pretty good as I recall but we were lucky that Jackman had more than a few thespian bones in his body. He got our sponsors JVC to produce a professionally recorded backing track while he and Vic Marks rewrote the lyrics so it featured our team manager Doug Insole. We rehearsed it many, many times, the newbies sketch being serious business back then.
I can’t recall how it went except the line at the end of the chorus which, instead of going “Arthur Daley, a little maybe, but underneath ‘E’s alright,” now went - “Dougie Insole, shorts and plimsoles, but underneath E’s alright.”
There were other funny turns by the players but my overriding impression was it was all a bit subdued. Wives, girlfriends and kids (at least those who’d flow out) were barred and we were 2-0 down in the Ashes. Happily, we went on to win the Boxing Day Test a few days later by three runs the keep the series alive, the closest Ashes Test ever until 2005 when Michael Vaughan’s England team went one better to win by two.
Back then, and this is how much things have changed with respect to the players, some (about half the squad) didn’t see their families all tour; the cost of a wife and several children flying out being prohibitive to some (the tour fee was £10,000 and flying was expensive then). Now the England and Wales Cricket Board foot the bill for all players to bring families out for the Festive period, which must be at least £10K per family for those two weeks.
Their presence will certainly change the dynamic. Ben Stokes’s team have already tried to ease the pressure of touring Australia by taking a mini break in Noosa, a holiday resort on Queensland’s Gold Coast. It didn’t work and while the Adelaide Test which followed saw an improved performance from England, they still lost the match and the Ashes.
Now of course they have the WAGs arriving to raise morale and I reckon it will, too. There’s nothing like changing a nappy or two or reading a bedtime story to make you forget about Mitchell Starc’s 90mph in-duckers, at least until he’s pawing the ground 30 yards away.
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